


RAPH casts Heal1! RAPH gains 7 HP!

by thetreesgrowodd



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Humor, MMORPG, One Shot, Video & Computer Games
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2013-09-22
Packaged: 2017-12-27 07:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/976320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetreesgrowodd/pseuds/thetreesgrowodd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raphael plays <i>Epic Adventure Quest</i> with his brothers.</p>
<p>Guess who gets to be the healer?</p>
            </blockquote>





	RAPH casts Heal1! RAPH gains 7 HP!

**Author's Note:**

> This will make more sense if you're familiar with MMORPGs.

“I have to be the _what_?” Raph asked, turning away from his computer screen and glaring at his brothers.

“ _White Shaman_ ,” Leo said, without even looking up from his screen.

Don typed something. A second later, text appeared in the box at the bottom of their screens with three _pings_.  


> **-Donagorn says: "That's the healer."**

  
“Why me?” Raph asked. "And talk to me normal, Don, I'm right here."

“Because you rolled the lowest number.” Leo sighed.

“Do-over,” Raph grumbled and clicked the _Roll Dice_ button again. His first roll had been a 323. Surely he'd get a better number this time.  


> **[RAPH rolls the dice! 236!]**

  
Still the lowest. He jammed the button.

"Hey! No do-overs!" Mike complained.  


> **[RAPH rolls the dice! 179!]  
>  [RAPH rolls the dice! 076!]**

  
"Goddam!" Raph crossed his arms and sat back so hard it made his chair squeak.

"Raph, you're a _White Shaman_ and that's final," Leo told him. "And I expect you to do it _right_. During a battle, you stand back and watch our hit points and your mana points. Don't get distracted. Our survival depends on you."  


> **-Legolas123 shouts: "lowest prices here! potoins & crystals. NW of fountain lol! *^_^*"**

  
Raph let out an explosive huff.

"Now, Raph, don't be like that. Being the healer is _important_. It's probably the most important role — it's practically the _foundation_ of the party. It's not like we're sticking you with a job that's boring or worthless or something," Leo said. "Think of it as an honor."  


> **-Donagorn says: "Guys, let's stay in-game."**

  


Raph turned his head and glared at Don. "I'm not fucking typing, Don!"   


> **-Donagorn rolls his eyes at RAPH, annoyed!**

  


"We're all sitting here in the same room, Don. Why type?" Raph asked.   


> **-Donagorn says: "Because we're role-playing. We're in-character. That's the point."**

  


Raph began typing with great effort.   


> **-RAPH says: "fuck typing"**

  
He grinned, satisfied.

His brothers started talking about the classes they'd be playing, and Raph tuned them out. He really didn't care who got to be a _King's Knight_ or a _Treasure Quester_ or whatever. He just wanted to go beat some stuff up and he had a strong suspicion that _White Shamans_ didn't get to do a whole lot of that.  


> **-Legolas123 shouts: "lowest prices here! potoins & crystals. NW of fountain lol! *^_^*"**

  


Raph looked around the street full of shops, NPCs, and the other busy _Epic Adventure Questers_ rushing around. Maybe _they_ were having fun.   


> **-Legolas123 shouts: "lowest prices here! potoins & crystals. NW of fountain lol! *^_^*"**

  


His brothers disappeared into a shop. Raph didn't know if they expected him to follow them. He didn't care. Some really high-level _Epic Adventure Questers_ ran by in some amazing-looking armor. Raph was basically wearing _underwear_. It was like they were on a different planet. How much work did it take to get there?   


> **-SilverAngel shouts: "LFG DoT no nubs kk PST <3333 !!!"  
> -Legolas123 shouts: "lowest prices here! potoins & crystals. NW of fountain lol! *^_^*"**

  


Raph grabbed up his mouse and studied the screen until he found the _Shout_ button.   


> **-RAPH shouts: "who cares?!? shut up asswipe!!1"  
>  -SilverAngel shouts: "LOL !!! its a bot !!!"**

  
His brothers were having a long, boring, incredibly slow conversation about what they should spend their money on. They'd earned some gold yesterday doing mindless tasks that mostly involved running around the village for _hours_. Raph had refused, and had gone exploring instead. He had wound up having some awkward cybersex with a chick in a metal bikini behind the stables. He'd let his brothers handle the money and the equipment.

They were talking about some dagger that cost ten thousand gold pieces, the merits of a bow and arrows versus a crossbow versus a boomerang, and whether to get chain mail or the more expensive plate armor for their tank (Tanks? There were tanks in this game? Raph wanted to drive a tank!). Shit, even Mikey was really into this stuff. _Mikey_ , the one Raph could usually count on to side with him when Don and Leo were getting stupid about something.  


> **-Legolas123 shouts: "lowest prices here! potoins & crystals. NW of fountain lol! *^_^*"**

  
Raph grumbled to himself. _Fucking idiot._

Finally his brothers came out of the shop and found Raph.  


> **[LeoLionheart offers to trade items with you. Will you accept?]**

  


Raph sighed and clicked _Yes_.   


> **[RAPH Receives Cotton Robe!]  
>  [RAPH Receives Birch Wand!]  
> [RAPH Receives Heal1 Crystal!]**

  


He sighed louder, equipped the armor, then stared at his avatar. "What the... is this a _joke_?"   


>   
> **-LeoLionheart says: "It's your gear"**   
> **-LeoLionheart says: "that we bought for you"**   
> **-LeoLionheart says: "with gold we earned. :/"**   
> **-LeoLionheart says: "You're welcome."**   
> 

  
Raph punched the buttons to swing the camera around so he could look closer at everyone's new outfits. Don — leather armor, dagger, small shield. Leo — leather armor, short sword, bow and arrows. Mike — karate gi, white belt, brass knuckles.

He looked at himself again — long, hooded beige robe and a knobby stick in his hand.  


> **-Donagorn says: "Use the crystal."**

  


Raph grumbled and selected the crystal.   


> **[RAPH uses a Heal1 Crystal! RAPH learns Heal1!]**

  
Oh! His brothers hadn't learned any skills yet! He was the _first_!

After clicking through some stupidly long, unskippable instructions about which menu to open and how to use keyboard shortcuts and _blah blah blah_ , Raph figured out how to use the spell. He clicked the button to cast it.

His character closed his eyes and raised his stick dramatically. A white light fell over him. A wind stirred his robes. Orbs of light danced around him. Raph held his breath.  


> **-RAPH casts Heal1! RAPH gains 7 HP!**

  
_He'd gained 7 HP!_ Well, technically his HP had already been completely full, so he hadn't _actually_ gained anything. But that didn't matter. He had a skill. He had a spell. He could do something his brothers couldn't do!

"Do me, Raph!" Mike said.

"Ok." Raph clicked it again.  


> **[Unable to cast now. Please wait 11 seconds.]  
>  -Legolas123 shouts: "lowest prices here! potoins & crystals. NW of fountain lol! *^_^*"**

  


With a growl, Raph jammed the button repeatedly.   


> **[Unable to cast now. Please wait 9 seconds.]  
>  [Unable to cast now. Please wait 9 seconds.]  
> [Unable to cast now. Please wait 8 seconds.]**

  
Raph groaned. "I can't."

"Raph! Cast it on me!" Mike demanded.

"Just a second!"  


> **-Donagorn says: "Now Raph, Fougraths aren't really suited for magework, but you can make up for it with gear and skill."**

  


"What?"   


> **-Donagorn says: "Your race. You're a Fougrath."**

  


"Yeah whatever." Raph had picked his character because he looked like a big fucking badass. He had horns growing out of his head. Horns! Which you couldn't even see now because of the stupid robe.   


> **-Legolas123 shouts: "lowest prices here! potoins & crystals. NW of fountain lol! *^_^*"**

  


He clicked the button again and finally it worked.   


> **-RAPH casts Heal1! LimePopsicle gains 8 HP!**

  


"Woo-hoo!" Mike cheered.   


> **-LimePopsicle dances with glee in front of RAPH!  
>  -Donagorn says: "Their stats are better for tanking and damage over time."**

  
Oh no, not stats again. Not after Don had bored them senseless with why he had picked _his_ character — kind of a tall, skinny, horse-headed dude with a long tail that never stopped swishing. _Speed and evasion and accuracy were really more important than stats like strength or defense and blah blah blah_. Mike had picked some big-eyed Hobbit-thing with a green pigtail, and Leo was a human guy with a shaved head and an expression like he'd just taken a swig of cough syrup by mistake.

"Can we kill something now _please_?" Raph asked.  


>   
> **-LeoLionheart says: "All right guys I think we're ready to go outside."**   
> **-LimePopsicle dances with glee in front of LeoLionheart!**   
> **-LimePopsicle dances with glee in front of RAPH!**   
> **-Legolas123 shouts: "lowest prices here! potoins & crystals. NW of fountain lol! *^_^*"**   
> **-Donagorn cheers excitedly!**   
> **-LimePopsicle dances with glee in front of Donagorn!**   
> **-Donagorn says: "And thus their Epic Adventure Quest began..."**   
> 

  
Raph was too excited about getting to finally fight something to even tell Don to shut up.

*

Fifteen minutes later, Raph lifted his fingers from the keyboard. His badass avatar was face down in the dirt next to Don's horsey guy. If he swung the camera around he could see Leo's character lying a short distance away and Mike's stubby legs sticking out from under him. All four HP bars on the lower part of the screen were empty.

He glared at the screen. The **Jack Rabbit [lvl 2]** lost interest in them now that they were dead and hopped away.

"How do I get up?" Mike asked.

"You... don't." Don said.

A group of high-level _Epic Adventure Questers_ on horses rode right over their dead bodies.

"Shit," Raph muttered.

"Those rabbits are too hard. We need something easier, Don," Leo said.

"There is nothing easier! It's... it's almost _impossible_ that we lost to them," Don said. "I mean, we're still in the newb area! To wipe out here..."

"So, the problem is us. Maybe we need to reexamine our party," Leo said.

"Raph..."

"No, Don, I'm not taking any fucking blame for this! You don't get to blame everything on me just because you decided that it was my job to keep your sorry asses alive!"

Leo sighed and closed his eyes. "Do you want to be a _King's Knight_ instead? I'll switch over to a healer class."

Raph crossed his arms. "Now-now, Leo, I'm a _White Shaman_ and I'm _proud to be one_. It's a _great honor_ to be one. A noble tradition. Oh, the _glory_ we win for ourselves in battle, standing in the back row and being quiet and waiting until someone needs us to heal them, keeping our white robes clean and bloodless. We're the _cornerstone_ of every group —"

" _King's Knight_ can get a battle-axe at level five."

"Well. I guess I can switch. If you really want to." Raph smirked. First thing he was gonna do with that battle-axe? _Bury it in **Legolas123** 's skull._


End file.
